Hi.. Im glad to see you doing fine without me. I just want to have this one last conversation with you.
I just want you to know that i love you alot. Till now
im still in shock and confusion, i still cant believe that you can just stop loving me out of a sudden.
I always believe that there is a better reason than just you not having enough time for me because I dont
mind, all i wanted is to be loved. But whatever the
reason I never wanted this to happen to us and i'll do anything to save this relationship.
If you still love me any bit please let me know, atleast it will make me feel much better.
I was afraid, very afraid that you will leave me because you mean everything to me but from the moment
you decided to leave me, my world start to crumple into pieces.
I think about you night and day, but all this thinking is not doing me any good, it just makes me more
and more upset. I know i am no longer as important in your heart, i know everybody's changing but I also
know that my love for you havn't changed up till today. We've been through so much just to be with each
other through this years and I felt that our relationship was really really strong, i never thought
you'll feel this way.You're the perfect girl for me all along and its sad to know that I'm not your
perfect guy anymore.
everytime when i walk by the places we used to go together, you'll appear in my head and I'll sit there
to remenisce about us. I never regretted being with you because having you by my side, that was the most
perfect part of my life. I really wish that I'll be able to turn back time, back to the days when we
laughed and were so happy just being with each other but i know it's impossible because you've long gone,
and have already moved on with your life. While I'm still stucked, no where to go. I pray to god that
you'll return to me after you've sort out your feelings.

So be it

I think I'm over it. The Naf I know will never lie to me and treat me like this. The Naf I know is already dead and she'll never come back. The current Naf isn't worth the effort.

Thank you for listening, diary.

Celebration

ZOUK TONIGHT!!

Good bye.

I've been waiting far too long and now I guess
It's all over.

My 18th Birthday Celebration.

14th of April 2011
It's the best. I didn't expected this surprise at all. I thought my 18th birthday will be just another uninteresting day just like any other birthday I had.

Okay okay, let me explain what happened.
Since I have no plans for my birthday and Iaene asked me out for shopping aka celebration. I went out with him. I messaged Daniel to see if he's free after his SP flag day to go out with us and he joined us too. I saw Raymond across the tracks at the MRT station when I was at Dover waiting for Daniel. He wished me a happy birthday, I wanted to ask him to join too but his train is already coming.

So when Daniel joined us, we went to town and shopped. We saw Joshua, Veronica Tang, Gouwei, Shawn and Alex in town. Wow.. so many friends at town. Haha. After buying some stuff. Kirby and Yuting were suppose to join us but they didn't because Yuting is too tired from work and Kirby gotta send her home. It was disappointing but I understand.

Cleo & her boyfriend wished me a happy birthday through the phone too. The only ones who called to wish me happy birthday. Thank you :) Majority of the people just text me Happy Birthday.

So Iaene said he wanted to go Daniel house to slack after shopping at town. Max and Weiping asked me out for supper too. So i suggest to Iaene and Daniel to join us near my house's mac. Weiping is already eating with his colleagues because his workplace is near there. So much coincidence in a day? I didn't even suspect anything haha. Then Melvyn called and asked whether he can drop by my place and borrow the snare ring from me for SYF.

While walking towards Mac, Daniel and Iaene said they wanted to put their stuff at Daniel's place first and asked me and Max to go ahead to mac without them.

I didn't know they had something up their sleeves.

When I went to mac, I remember about school's GEMS. I was suppose to register for it! I was so anxious because there isn't much interesting modules left and the one I can make do with is only left with 1 spot. I tried using Max and Melvyn's(Who joined us soon after) phone to try to register for my GEMS but somehow I just can't register through phone. So I asked them to wait for me as I rush home to register my GEMS.

When I reached home, I dashed for the laptop. When I pass by the kitchen I heard noises and I saw a bunch of people in my Kitchen. I thought it was a robbery or something. Haha. They started singing happy birthday and I realise it's my friends. At that moment I was feeling Anxious, Worried, Shocked, Surprised and Happy. Imagine the extent of my "mixed" emotion hahaha.

Mevis, Madeline, Iaene, Raymond, Daniel were in my kitchen and Mevis was filming my reaction. I bet she's gonna upload the video soon. Thanks for the Bakerzin's Chocolate cake too people :) Melvyn and Max who was at Mac followed me home and joined us very soon after. I really dint expect it'll be the bunch of secondary 1 and 2 friends who planned this out for me. They planned it well cus I didn't suspect anything like that would happen to me. I expected a celebration from my 4E7 instead of my 2E8 cus I was closer to 4E7. I really expect Naf to like at least fork out time for me during my birthday. I was kinda disappointed actually but I'm glad my sec 2 friends did this for me, It was the best birthday celebration. Unforgettable. I love you guys :)


Mevis had to go first cus her parents was coming to fetch her. After that we went to eat at the Kopitiam near my place and was shocked by the news about Ramdan. Weiping skated from his place to the Kopitiam to meet us then we went to 7-11 to buy things. I bought my first beer there call Saparo or something.

Madeline went home after that

So the rest of us went to Mac and play + Chat the whole day. Half way through Daniel buey tahan and go home to rest. So we hang out Till 5am before all of us went to my place and wait for the first bus to come.

Thank you for everything people :)

I'm so happy when I'm with you.

12th April 2011

Although I waited for you for about 20minutes, It's worth the wait because it was an enjoyable time with you.

You helped me pick some really nice clothing and you came out with me even though you're having flu, thank you so much :)

I've learnt to cherish and I realize simple things like this means a lot. Maybe in the past, we din't know how to cherish each other and that's why you'll think our relationship is dull.

We laughed a lot, it feels like the old time. I don't understand why we can't be together. I know maybe it's because you like the other guy.



I feel that you're just blinded momentarily by the "freshness". As time passes by, there'll definitely be quarrels and arguments and dull moments. How long will it take for the guy to realise what I've realised? Will it be too late by then? Will the relationship end just before it really started?

or maybe it's your work load.



You know I'm not a high maintenance boyfriend, I give you all the freedom you want and I only need a little time from you to show that you still care and love me. How many guys will let their girl hang out with other dudes and play soccer with a bunch of guys? Moreover I don't get jealous easily because I have faith in you. I never questioned about our love. When you have any problem, isn't it good to have someone there for you? someone who really cares and know about you and treat your problems like his? and give you hugs whenever you need one? I'll be that person for you.



I believe what I've learnt through these years with and without you can last us till we draw our last breathe. If you will just give me another chance, I'll be the best boyfriend as well as husband anyone can ever have. Will you be my girlfriend?




Even if the answer is a no, I must still thank you for the beautiful memories and I hope you'll be happy.

Nightmare

I just had a nightmare :'( It's a crazy dream.

I dreamed that I was begging you to go out with me.. You came over to my place and there's ppl in my place. I was busy talking to others and when I looked for you, you were with a guy behaving intimately and I saw you clipping your bra. It's like both of you just make out. I was jealous.

The next moment we board the MRT, you were happily talking to that guy and I was with my friends.

I went to you and said "You're suppose to spend the day with me. Are you spending your time with TCH or this guy?"

You Replied "This guy"

I was broken

I cried out "Why do you play a fool with me? You come and you go, I'm not your toy, I have emotions. If you want me to get out of your life just tell me! and I'll go! ..." so on and so forth(I cant rmb). I only know I was losing it.

Your whole attitude seem so different, It seems like you don't care for me AT ALL and you just want me out of your life.

Your new guy acts like a jerk while I was talking it out with you so I delivered a hateful punch to him across the face.

I screamed out, "I'll kill all your boyfriends!"

and you replied, "Then I'll just find another one."

After that, I woke up feeling very scared, insecure and heartbroken.
I wish I have you right beside me to hug me and tell me that what happened in the dream is not going to happen.

But I realize that.. there's some reality to the dream.

I am too attached to you, you're really everything I wanted.
I really feel very down and this feeling doesn't feel good.

Please help me :'(

Shopping time...

12th of April 2011

I'll be meeting her later in the noon, 3pm. I hope she'll turn up..

10th of April 2011

She din't come for the steamboat.. I'm disappointed but she explained to me, I understand.

Disappointment

You said "It seems like I've been the biggest disappointment in your life."
Indeed you are.. because you are the most important person in my life.

I remember one day you asked me to sleep early. I stay up late because I was hoping that you'll call me, but you didn't.



I know I can never escape from disappointments. Others would tell me, "keep on trying", "it's not end of everything" and all the encouragement words. It somehow lift the burden of mine, however deep down inside me, No. I can't take it. It's just too painful.

I appreciate all the advices. At least It let me know, people around me cares about me and I have shoulders to cry on.

Maybe Like you say, I put up high hopes and when It doesn't go the way i thought it'll be, I'll get disappointed. I dare not hope that you'll get back to me, because I'm afraid to be disappointed again.

A book call "The Rules of Love".

I find that some of the rules in this book are very important to a relationship.


There's no such thing as whether you are compatible for each other. It's an excuse.There will be no one that is exactly the same as you. If there is, your relationship will be meaningless. So embrace what you have in common instead of complaining about your differences.


Don't ever belittle your partner. Your partner needs encouragement from you instead of being put down. You are the first person your partner will look for whenever he/she feels insecure. If even you belittle him/she, things will normally turn out bad between each other.


Forget about your ego. Apologize, even if you think it's not your fault. It's the best way to solve the problem.


Okay, so you're in a relationship with this person for 5 years now and you think it's okay not to dress up for him/her. You're wrong. I mean, not all the time, sometimes you gotta doll yourself up for your special someone.


Please respect each other's privacy. No one will feel good without privacy. Would you like it if your life is being monitored every single second even when you're not doing something wrong and got nothing to hide? No.


You think you know your partner thoroughly. No you don't if you stop talking to him/her. Eventually you'll not know your partner at all.


Love = Time,
Time = Love,
No Love = No time,
No Time = No love.

Plan your time wisely.
Make time for your special someone, even if its for 5minutes. Be there when your partner needs you.

That's the guy you like?

Nice photos, I'm being sarcastic anyways. Maybe I'm jealous but you have the right to do what you want right? cus you're no longer my girlfriend, like you always reminded me. It's not like you doll yourself up when you go out with me. I'm sure he is the guy you fall for to make you doll yourself and go on a "date" with him.

You know I hope you'll get together with him, then after a few months your relationship with him turn dull like how ours did, eventually he treat you like shit and overtime make you realize I treat you better than him and when you want me back. I will say No. I know I'm being mean.

You know that once you get together with someone else, I will never take you back.



Sometimes I feel that, I'm no longer your boyfriend, Why are you still kissing me, hugging me? Do you do that to all the guys you fancy? You make me feel like a toy to you.

I'm feeling uneasy right now. Oh well, Life goes on even without you.

7th April 2011

I was looking forward to today because I get to meet Naf.. She look damn tired today, I think it's because she cried after reading this book call "The Kite Runner". She's still gorgeous anyways. Throughout the day, I wasn't sure how I should treat her, whether to treat her like my darling or to treat her as a friend. There's just a constant reminder of restrictions in my mind however I just treat her how i would naturally, and i guess its the loving TCH after all. That greedy little girl, read too much of my diary until she lose her emotions. Try to screen shot somemore, tricky little girl isn't she? Cute :) When she cried I had mix emotions, I felt pain in my heart seeing her cry while the other side of me felt glad because she cried for me.. at least that shows that she care for me.. Right?


(When I search for your pictures, I still click the folder labeled as "Family")
Occasionally I would dream of having a family with you. Like waking up every morning, seeing you lie next to me, preparing breakfast for me.. and all the other things that hubby and wife get to do together. If you're my wife, I wont let you work because I don't want you to have not enough sleep and stress out. I'll work very hard to make sure we have a comfortable life. I'm really curious how our baby will look like, you know? Haha. It'll be a brand new chapter of life with you.



It's wonderful to think of these things but when you realize that reality isn't looking so good, all the thinking will be pointless.



6th of April 2011

I went out with 2E8 for steamboat at Bugis, 20 bucks sia! I've already spent 100 plus this month and now it's like only what date? 6th? Haha. Anyway the steamboat was a total waste of money. The food there sucks and one major fail is.. you know what? There's a caterpillar in our soup from the veg we took. YUCK!! Total turn off. Junfeng dint tell us about the caterpillar until we finished my food cus he din't wanna spoil our appetite. He asked for the boss, the boss offer us 1 person off and I think because he found out Junfeng took a picture of the caterpillar he offer another person off. From the 40 bucks we saved, we went to get Starbucks drinks for everyone :) Awesome or what. Haaha.. but ewwwww... Fucking caterpillar.



Now I can't sleep because of the caffiene.

I hope I can find someone new and fall in love with her so I can get over Naf. When I say get over Naf, I don't feel happy at all. I don't wanna get over her.



5th of April 2011


I saw this pair of Supra shoes at Queensway Mall. So nice but the price also very nice, 300bucks?! Crazy. No way will I buy it and step on my 300 Bucks. Haha. How I wish it'll just appear in front of me magically. I bought this PS3 game call Vanquish. It was awesome. Bought it for 35bucks, 2nd hand. There's also the same game 49bucks, 2nd hand. It's exactly the same. Why the price difference!? I think they tag the pricing wrongly. Hahaha. I gained. If I trade my game in, I'll get 20bucks for it. So I actually end up buying the game for 15bucks. Ain't I a money saver?



One of the days, can't remember which.

I want to be able to talk to you so badly but there's nth to say because i don't know you anymore.

While talking on the phone with you today, we had a little argument. That's when I got knocked into senses. I had the feeling of giving up.

I'm doing things for you which you shouldn't deserve to have. Why am i so desperate? I must have my own pride and not beg to be loved again.

You're taking me for granted.

Ignored

I don't get it why sometimes i ask you something, you gotta ignore it.

Memories..

Hi Diary... Bet you can't wait to know what I'm feeling, lol. You must be like "nah, I can wait for the longest time possible".

... What the hell?! why am I talking to myself... Ummm I shall go and bath first before i continue writing. WATER'S BOILING!!


I'm back! is this like the only post I'm actually "feeling good"? I think it's because she called and talked to me yesterday, that's why. See? I'm so easy to satisfy.. This is how I was like when I'm with Nicolle. I just need to see her once a day, no matter the duration and no matter whether there's a conversation. I din't try to hold her hands or kiss her through out our r/s because I was satisfied easily. She assume that I don't love her anymore, that's why she broke up with me.

After that, I learn that to make a girl happy, you must do sweet things for her. That I must constantly show concern about her and tell her how much I love her.



I want to treat Naf with my best, I hope it isn't too late.

While bathing.. I suddenly had a flashback of Naf. It's about her finding out that there's a little mole on my left cheek. Haha. She was shocked. It's weird how she din't notice it after we've been together for 3 years. I think my mole is a ninja.. I understand it's not easy to spot. I know she got a mole in the middle of her chest. I think i rmb all the features on her :)

Moving on.. I checked my mail today and found these:



TANCHENHUI! :D

Hi guy :D I created this email to tell you of ALLLLLL th things tht I kept inside my heart. I nvr thought I'd write a 'goodbye' letter to you. Haha. So, here goes nth...

I know I'm not a good gf to you and all. I guess, this is where our rship ends. And, I think I can finally move on now. Thnks fr th tips, hahaa. Talking to you helps me to get over you better . Although many ppl said tht ignoring you is better. I really think it's the otherwise. So, yeah. &uhm, I hope tht we'll be friends, no matter what happens :) Pls rmbr, you owe me 3 dates! One for th Sentosa thing, second is fr the Spore thing and another fr Prom Night :) Rmbr hor TANAHPEK! Hahaha. Thnks fr th gd times, really really appreciate it. Even though we had our good times and bad times, I can say tht you nvr fail to make me love you all th same. If I could turn back time, I would try to reverse plenty of things. But I can't. &an apology won't cover up for all th mean things I did/said to you. But I guess tht's just life huh? You make mistakes, regret and then move on. And tht's exactly wht i'm gonna do :)

And apart from my apologies, I have a BIG thnk you too. Thnks for trying hard to change me. You may think tht thr's no difference in my attitude. But actually, thr is. I can feel it fr myself. I'm no longer THAAAT arrogant and stubborn as before. DON'T SAY 'YA RIGHT'. Cos, even if it's not significant. I know tht thr's a change in me. &I wanna thnk you fr tht :) Besides that, you taught me life, how to live it, how to care fr others and not only think abt myself. You taught me trust, loyalty, and...how to sex. Hahahaahaha. And most importantly, you taught me how to love :) I really really wanna thnk you fr tht. Before getting into a rship with you, all my exes don't even last for 1mth 1 day! But, you make it such tht I can commit to a guy longer. 1 year 1 mth. Wow. Thnk you :D

I nvr thought this day would come. &It's hard to say goodbye, heh. But, I figured you alr did, and I MUST do th same too. Goodbye tch/guy/dear/darl/sweetheart/hubby/mr straw/tanahpek :) I hope you live your life to the fullest and take great care of yourself. Find a good gf/fiancee/wife, treat her good! Don't everytime bully her! Like wht you always do to me! Humpff. Lol. Don't everytime heck care her then go to your friends. Hahaha.

Say 'bye' to your mum for me. She's a good mother and a good person. I'll definitely miss her. Haha. HUSKY! Hahahaa. Don't bully her! And don't you fuck her hor. Hahaha. Treat her good. Or else, I report to SPCA. Hahaha. Your other family members...hmmm, dont really know wht to say abt them. I just hope Siew Hui, Jia Hui and Ming Hui have a never ending love with their loved ones: Wen Hao, Sean and...dunno her name..LOL. Help me say: FUCK YOU! to Fishball the rabbit. I don't like her/him. AND NVR WILL. WTHJUMPHEREJUMPTHR. Lol. And as for you! Don't be too easy going. Ltr ppl step on your head how? Step back ah? LOL.

Study hard for your O's! I know I will :D You must get good grades and then TRY beat me in English. HAHAHAHA 'B4' GUY. I GET 'A1' LEIIIII. LOL. Good luck, all the best and ... I love you. I will always do :) Even when I've gotten over you, I know you'll always have a place in my heart. TANCHENHUI: the FIRST guy who stole my heart, my first naive kiss and my virginity. Hahah. Ok ok, let me just give you one last qingqing &a long long baobao.

*QINGQING*
*BAOBAO*

Okay then, I won't pester you anymore :) Lol.
Au Revoir! Wish you all the best in your future guy :D

XOXO, naf (:


Now it's my turn to say good bye isn't it? It's funny how things can turn out to be.


I also found a small conversation we had on msn.
I can't post it because there's drawings and stuff.

Why I mention about this conversation is because:

When I read it, it reminds me of how close we used to be. We're love birds.
It also reminded me of us always meeting at the bus stop near our school to head to school together. You're always rushing to me because we're gonna be late, while I watched you as your wet and untied hair wavered in the morning breeze. It's a precious moment although sometimes we end up being late. Remember that day, while walking on the long path beside the school you dared me to ask the Fuhua girl who was walking in front of us for her number? It was funny because when i went up to her and try to get her number, her face was damn shock and the first thing that came out of her mouth is "No", haha. While you were laughing at the back.

The same old path of me walking to school with you in the morning and me sending you home after school have many memories of us. They mean so much to me..



There's so much memories of us in my mind, there's too much to be written out.

They say secondary school's life is the best and most memorable, I bet it is because with you.. you make my secondary school's life wonderful... I love you.




Love,
TCH

Old Blog

In my old blog, I realized I post about you frequently. Can't you see that you're a big part of my life?

I found these in my old blog:

Sunday, June 27, 2010.
I locked my blog cus i only want you.. my dear to know about my life. No one else :) You are the only person that i will make an effort to get to know more, talk to, and of course love more. I think im so sick of poly cus i very lazy to make friends with ppl. I know in the end, They wont matter a bit but you are different. You really mean alot to me, and i love you. I love you all along this 3 years, I regreted making all the stupid mistakes i've done to break your heart. I'm happy with you around. Today you so sweet uhhhhh, accompany me go dye hair :) I told you preston is good! If you wanna cut hair, go let him do ur hair okay?? Doesnt matter what hairstyle u cut, ure still my girl.LOVE YOU SO MUCH LAH DEAR! :D

You can make me so happy.



Wednesday, June 23, 2010
I had a dream and it was about you, I smiled and recalled the memories we had
then I noticed a tear fell from my eyes.. you know why?
Cause in my dream you kissed me and said goodbye.

And you can make me so sad.


There's so much more about you than just these two post in my old blog.

I Miss You, Nafizah.

Finally you gave me a call :)

I hate it when you remind me that you're not my girlfriend anymore, I hate it.

You asked me to stop treating you so nice...
My mind tells me not to treat you like a princess but I'm just following what my heart tells me to do. I cannot control myself, I'm sorry..

Friends and I are planning to have steamboat at my place next Saturday, I hope she'll tag along too. I miss that beautiful smile and big googly eyes of hers. Every flaws that she thinks she have is beautiful to me, She's just so perfect.

Sad

It's sad when I say I Love You and you just kept silent.



I'll wait for you.

Painful

It's painful to feel like her life is all good without me.

I remember I had a long walk & talk with Hafiz during one of the night during the recent 4E7 Chalet. He asked about my relationship with her. I let it all out, and It really felt good. I'm really thankful that Hafiz listened to me and make me feel better.

She came to the chalet. I'm so happy, she's so sweet to me. I would say that I'm the happiest man alive at that moment but how I wished it's more consistent.. Do i still cross your mind?

Helplessness

Why is it that every night, every single night, I'll think of her?


I always think that she's the only one for me.
That she's someone I'm destined to be with.
Someone I can grow old with.
But i really don't know,
I just feel that way.

It's because of the great time we had
and the r/s we built through every obstacles we come across.
Thats why it's very difficult for me to let go
When in actual fact, these things no longer exist.

Sometimes the simplest thing we do is very dear to me because I cherish it.
I've make mistakes and I've regretted. I was stupid but
Deep inside my heart I know i love her and no body else.

This helplessness is getting me.
TCH, please. Just let it go already. She doesn't care about you anymore.

A Fool

Standing here like a fool with arms wide open, not knowing when She'll run back to you and when she leaves, she's gone just like that.

Who would've known?

I never thought that it'll turn out this way. I really did not.


I’m not angry because we broke up, I’m just sad because I can’t let you go.
I’m not angry at you for not loving me, I’m angry with myself for still loving you.
I’m not angry that I can’t have you, I’m sad because I know what I’m missing.
I’m not angry that I lost you, I’m sad because I once had you.
I’m not angry that you’ve moved on, I’m sad because I can’t.
I’m not angry that you won’t come back, I’m sad because I keep hoping you will.
I’m so sad because I miss you and I still love you...

Our lives

You know we've gotten into our new life for 1 year already. I'm from Sp, She's from nyp, both schs are far apart. Her work is extreme, she doesnt have any time for anything, not even me except for her work. Starting for half a year or so, we're fine and happy. But then we broke off cus she said our r/s is getting dull, its like she knows me thoroughly and i know her thoroughly, there's nothing more we can know about each other furthermore. I believe what she knows about me are just my habits and not my true self because i hardly tell her a lot on how i feel and what problems I'm facing. She doesn't know that there's so much things i want to tell her, it's just that when i want to tell her about something, she's too caught up with her work. There's so much more she can learn about me. She say she wanted to experience what its like to be with other guys. I let her, and i regretted, so much. Eventually we became distant and our love starts to fade.. sigh. She says I'm devoted and I'm being too nice to her. She feels that she doesn't deserve me. Which guy doesn't treat the girl they love the best they can, right? Even after what she said, how come i feel that she is the best for me? that my hand fits her's best? She said she's involved with other guys. She like this one guy and she refuse to tell me more about him because she's afraid that i might judge. By so, i assume that that chap isn't doing so well, be it his character, his studies, what so ever. I'm curious what kind of guy is he? I'm not saying that I'm better than him, cus love is blind. Even if i am better, I'm jealous of him. At least he has a chance to be with her and have her attention, unlike me, its hopeless. I believe no matter how perfect i may be, i may no longer be as perfect as what she thinks i was in her eyes anymore. Still, I think she's flawless to me. She said after she get her diploma, if she's single and I'm single and we still feel for each other then if its happens it happens, if it doesn't then it doesn't. I just feel that there is 99% chance of it not going to happen and this makes me really sad. Recently we hanged out, we felt awkward, its like i dunno how to savage this r/s. I've tried my best, but i really dunno what to do right now, I'm at my limit, I'm very tired. I feel useless, lonely and lost. Do you know how miserable it's to be feeling this way? Why did i get together with her so young? Why am i not the guy she has a crush on right now.. then at least we can last another 3-4 years. I know it's weird to say this, but you know.. even if our whole relationship is a lie, I'm happy when I'm with you.

Our Love Diary

I'm being stupid

Is it really over? I wonder what it'll feel like when i think about your beautiful face when im grey and old.

How i wish..

Remember the video you did for our 3 years anniversary? It suddenly came across my mind so i watched it again. I was smiling while crying when watching it. Smiling cus you're so damn cute :B wanna pinch yooUU!! gomos you till you die but somehow tears just automatically well up in my eyes, had flash back of how we were when we were in secondary school. The thought of losing you is just unbearable. I've been trying to heck care you and thought i was okay without you, by what happened, it actually tells me that deep deep inside i really care for you. I wish i can relive the past, just like how things used to be...

I have alot of problems some times, but they are nothing comparing to the problems between you and i. Course i think of it everyday..

I finished my Programming, WorkShop and Boating Theory already. Yes! but i think ill do badly for workshop and boating theory. Its weird how snake's attitude totally changed during the last lesson. He became so nice. Why cant he be like that since the beginning? It'll be better this way right? Anyway, i want to learn how to break dance.

It's the past

Wanna know why its grey? cus it's the past,
Guess I'll be spending Valentines alone..

Im so confused about what you're thinking , really. What the fuck man, i dont even know what to blog about on this bloody blog. I dont know to hate you or to continue loving you, but since i wanna get over you. I think i should hate you. Sometimes you're such a bitch. I want things to be like before but whatever lah. Fed up

Finally workshop practical's over (:

Date: 31/1/2011 & 1/2/2011

Monday is the same old shit again, fucking bloody lecturer. It was raining heavily in the morning, i was late for workshop for 10-15mins. There are also a lot who were late due to the rain. I have this friend who came late for 30mins, lecturer.. lets just call him snake, snake asked him why he was late, and my friend said that he was riding to school and got caught in the rain and snake was like "ohh, okay". I wanted to take attendance so i asked snake whether he can take my attendance, he asked me why i was late, i said i was caught in the rain, and he scolded me for always being late when in actual fact im only late for 1 time. What the fuck is wrong with his brain? did the fire damaged his brain? and for the rest of the lesson, he scolds and scolds, So much i felt like putting my fist through his face. Anyway enough of this dumb fuck.

Moving on, I finally spoke to Beverly. I went to foodcourt 5 to chill out with Rahul and other friends who were there as well. Then Bev came walking into FC5, i was like "omg omg omg", cus the awkwardness i coming over me. Soon enough Bev and her close friend Joei approached my table and said Hi, so i was like... ok... "Hi!" and smile, although i sense that my smile was awkward. I just couldnt smile properly. They dragged Rahul from my table. After awhile Joei came to my table and asked me to go meet Beverly outside. So i went out, saw her sitting on the bench, and then sat beside her. So we started talking, it was super duper uber awkward, i swear. She cried and cried but we got things off our chests and came clear with one another. I wont wanna want to date her, cus we've lost touch for too long and my friend kinda like her, so it'll be super bastard if he sees me get together with her. I think she can find her happiness soon anyways, cus she has quite a number of suitors. After talking all my friends in FC5 was like, how did it go!? hahas. Bunch of K P Os!

I can see that girls are trying to get close to me, and i cant possibly feel for every girl who wants me. So what happens to those who got rejected? we cant even be friends. Why cant i just have NORMAL girl friends. Like just friends, like me and my guy friends, nothing more.

Yesterday was pretty awesome, i went to fc5 again to meet max boonmeng with weiping cus we wanted to have dinner together. I saw Bev again, but this time round it wasnt awkward, we waved and said hi. Im glad, we're alright now. Boonmeng wanted me to show him our school gym so i brought him there, he started working out there but got chased out cus he wasnt wearing shoes, he was wearing sandals haha. We went back to fc5 and boonmeng was like, ei you wanna gym? so i was like yeah sure. So he changed into proper attire and gym together. He claim that it was super effective training with me. Meanwhile when we were gyming, max and weiping was with their friends. While we were gyming the dragonboat girls flooded the gym -.- i dont like them cus they very tintae. Rahul and weiping came in to visit us also. Donno for what sia HAHA. So after gyming we went to meet others at lakeside and during the journey there we tried to convince boonmeng to come along, he complain that the place we're eating is too far away from his place, i dont like people who back outs. I hope during 4E7 those who are coming will not back out, cus ill be fucking pissed. We persauded him anyway, so he came. Went to taman jurong food court, and ... WHAT THE FUCK!? everything is closed. Except for a few stalls. We explored a little and decided to eat curry fishhead, cereal prawn, mutton soup, sweet and sour pork and vege. There were 5 of us so each of us spend around 10dollars, i paid for the mutton soup though so i spent 16dollars. I realised i spent $30 on that day.. Haha T.T Overall the food was delicious, we were having an awesome time together! Hope we can have more dinner like that. Love 4E7 :D

I got C for my diploma plus!! NOOOoooo! but there was a mistake, lecturer dint get me 10marks for the sketches cus she thought i dint submit, i resubmitted the sketches and got 10marks so im a B now! HAHAHA

Oh ya and the last thing, I GIVE UP. I shouldnt bother anymore, its time for me to move on. Im only hurting myself.

NTU friends

Date: 29/1/2011
I wanted to head to the gym, but was sleepy all day long. Woke up to do my online quiz and went back to sleep at 330pm. Im so dead, i wonder if i can study everything in time :(

I woke up at 8pm and met weiping at jp at 9pm, we ate at the ayam penyet restaurant beside the fair price down stairs. Fucking ayam penyet gave me diarrhea. It was not bad, but nothing beats Makan Shiok's ayam penyet though. After eating we went to fair price extra to walk around, aimlessly haha, then weiping's friends called him. Weiping introduced me to his band mates who are from NTU. We hanged out for abit, they are really fun ppl. Oh yeah and my resolution of this year is 1366x600... ok lame! HAHAHA i want to make alot alot alot of friends this year.

I cant seem to stop thinking about you everyday
It seems like i'm a toy to you, do you really love me, or are you playing with me?

SDZ & Makan Shiok

Date: 28/1/2011

Yesterday was a day i look forward to. I went to see SP's SDZ dance crew's dance concert. It was hilarious! and creative. Really enjoyed it, next time i gonna bring my friends along too. Go there havoc. Haha.

Straight away, after the concert, i rush back to lakeside cus i wanna join my friends at makan shiok.. and of course one of the reason is because i wanna see naf.. Well, i feel that naf and i dint really spend time together, cus there's our friends around to distract us from each other. Oh well, atleast i get to see her right? I love her but should i get over her or wait for her??

Oh, i am gonna plan the 4e7 chalet on march. Im so excited for it, im gonna make it happen! :)

Awesome day

Date: 26/1/2011

Today is a fun day, i get to know a new friend. His name is Youn Sang Soo, weird name isnt it? Well he's korean. What made today so fun is because, boonmeng came over to sp to chill with us (max, kumar and me). SangSoo blended into us easily, haha, he's damn hardcore cus he like to hump ppl while they least expect it. We call him the punisher HAHAHA what the fuck right? XD Anyway today was a great day.

Saw Beverly in fc5.. it was pretty awkward.

While browsing through facebook (Showing SangSoo the chio bu i know) i came across this pic:



The girl in the center is damn beautiful, so far no one in my list have beaten her. I still am mesmerized by those big brilliant eyes.

The beginning

Reason of having a diary
Sometimes i feel that i have no one to really share my feelings and thoughts with. I've always felt that its weak by sharing problems with others, cus what you get in return is their pity. Of course i do have friends and family but it just does not feel right telling them, or its just me. Recently I've come to realise that its kinda hard not having this special someone whom you can share your problem with. So i've created you, my diary, to share my problems with.

Date: 25/1/2011
Lately in monday's school's practical, i havnt been doing so well. I think that the lecturer who teaches us how to use the lathe machine is somehow bias. He's like picking on me. That's how i feel. Everyone is being scolded like crap when they do something wrong, but i just somehow have this feeling that he specially pay attention to me so he can pick on me. He says my fringe is too long and its blocking my vision while doing my work piece so i have to cut it, apparently my fringe hardly even cover my eye, or should i say it doesnt even cover. If i were to say "I can see clearly", what would he say? He'll scold the fuck out of me and mark me as a rebellious student. Seriously what is wrong with him? cant he just chill out? Maybe because he's balding, thats why he's jealous after seeing my well groomed hair? Girls can have long hair while working, why not me? We are the same after all, its call equality, regardless of the sex. I compromised, i said ill clip my fringe up using a clip, and what was his reply? he said something like, you wanna be a girl? wanna be a sissy? Why? he have a problem with homosexuals? its not like im homo but im just saying. I believe even homosexual deserve some respect. Just because he think he's a lecturer, he's such a big shot. This monday i used chaqif's machine, then after that i went off to do other things for quite awhile, and he started shouting my name. Straight away he said that i spoilt his cutter, which merely chipped off by a little. How can he be so sure its me? It can already be like that when chaqif passed his machine to me, or maybe someone used it while im away and chipped it off. Seriously how can he just point his finger at me so fast and without any second thoughts? and what kind of lecturer is he? when you ask him a question, you know he knows the answer, yet he says he do not know. Is a teacher suppose to behave this way? He said he already failed someone in the class, how can he do that? The artifact which we are graded on isnt even due yet, its just half done, how can he just fail the person when he havnt even see the final product? How is this fair, its totally unfair. Im left with only 2 weeks to complete my work, i hope i can make it in time. I still have alot of things to study, im packed with study study and study, its stressing me out. Thats all i can think about what i want to rant about him. Moving on, something else..


Its my ex girlfriend and I, we broke up, it kinda makes me sad, i wonder how she feel. If only i can read mind, i would know what she is feeling and what she needs from me exactly. With all the stress accumulated in me and without her to talk to, i really feel damn lethargic and sick of life. Its not like i love her no longer, its just that... her work.. her work is keeping her from me. Its like she have this endless amount of assignments to do, i believe what she say is true, that she's too busy with her assignment. I dont blame her, i really dont. But because of all these work, we havnt talk properly for super duper long period of time, the lack of communication just somehow affect me. She said its unfair to me that she lack time for me, and its equivalent to me not having a girlfriend, she also said that the heart pounding feeling she had for me just somehow faded away, she wanted to try dating other guys, maybe its better cus maybe the guy she date is in her school, so that she can see him often. Unlike me, i study in SP, too far away from her. Even though she lives near me, it doesnt make a difference because we hardly get to meet. She dont even sms me to keep in touch, she said she dislike having to pick up the phone and type with her fingers. After the severe lack of communication, we just lost all topics we have with one another. Its a sad thing, i want it to be like how it is in the past, but i donno to savage it. All these days, since the day i broke up with her, she havnt left my mind a single day. She lingers in my mind no matter how hard i try to get rid. The constant thought is driving me crazy. She asked me to date other girls too, but in actual fact non of them can make me feel like how i feel when im around her. She is just special, special to me no matter what she becomes or no matter how much time she doesnt have for me. No one can just replace her with a click of a finger. Its not that easy. She said she had a crush, i dont know who, she dint tell me. Do i have a crush? No i dont, because i've found love. Will my love last for her, while i wait? will this relationship be savaged? I really dont know. I dont care what i have to do, convert to a muslim, whatever, i just want to be with her, i want both of us to be happy when we are with each other. God can you just grant me this wish? please? or is this a challenge for both of us? well i tell you, its so tough i feel like im almost dead mentally. I feel like telling her my feeling, but i think to myself "what for? will she care? it wont help." IM GOING MAD MAD MAD MAD MAAAADDD!!!