The beginning

Reason of having a diary
Sometimes i feel that i have no one to really share my feelings and thoughts with. I've always felt that its weak by sharing problems with others, cus what you get in return is their pity. Of course i do have friends and family but it just does not feel right telling them, or its just me. Recently I've come to realise that its kinda hard not having this special someone whom you can share your problem with. So i've created you, my diary, to share my problems with.

Date: 25/1/2011
Lately in monday's school's practical, i havnt been doing so well. I think that the lecturer who teaches us how to use the lathe machine is somehow bias. He's like picking on me. That's how i feel. Everyone is being scolded like crap when they do something wrong, but i just somehow have this feeling that he specially pay attention to me so he can pick on me. He says my fringe is too long and its blocking my vision while doing my work piece so i have to cut it, apparently my fringe hardly even cover my eye, or should i say it doesnt even cover. If i were to say "I can see clearly", what would he say? He'll scold the fuck out of me and mark me as a rebellious student. Seriously what is wrong with him? cant he just chill out? Maybe because he's balding, thats why he's jealous after seeing my well groomed hair? Girls can have long hair while working, why not me? We are the same after all, its call equality, regardless of the sex. I compromised, i said ill clip my fringe up using a clip, and what was his reply? he said something like, you wanna be a girl? wanna be a sissy? Why? he have a problem with homosexuals? its not like im homo but im just saying. I believe even homosexual deserve some respect. Just because he think he's a lecturer, he's such a big shot. This monday i used chaqif's machine, then after that i went off to do other things for quite awhile, and he started shouting my name. Straight away he said that i spoilt his cutter, which merely chipped off by a little. How can he be so sure its me? It can already be like that when chaqif passed his machine to me, or maybe someone used it while im away and chipped it off. Seriously how can he just point his finger at me so fast and without any second thoughts? and what kind of lecturer is he? when you ask him a question, you know he knows the answer, yet he says he do not know. Is a teacher suppose to behave this way? He said he already failed someone in the class, how can he do that? The artifact which we are graded on isnt even due yet, its just half done, how can he just fail the person when he havnt even see the final product? How is this fair, its totally unfair. Im left with only 2 weeks to complete my work, i hope i can make it in time. I still have alot of things to study, im packed with study study and study, its stressing me out. Thats all i can think about what i want to rant about him. Moving on, something else..


Its my ex girlfriend and I, we broke up, it kinda makes me sad, i wonder how she feel. If only i can read mind, i would know what she is feeling and what she needs from me exactly. With all the stress accumulated in me and without her to talk to, i really feel damn lethargic and sick of life. Its not like i love her no longer, its just that... her work.. her work is keeping her from me. Its like she have this endless amount of assignments to do, i believe what she say is true, that she's too busy with her assignment. I dont blame her, i really dont. But because of all these work, we havnt talk properly for super duper long period of time, the lack of communication just somehow affect me. She said its unfair to me that she lack time for me, and its equivalent to me not having a girlfriend, she also said that the heart pounding feeling she had for me just somehow faded away, she wanted to try dating other guys, maybe its better cus maybe the guy she date is in her school, so that she can see him often. Unlike me, i study in SP, too far away from her. Even though she lives near me, it doesnt make a difference because we hardly get to meet. She dont even sms me to keep in touch, she said she dislike having to pick up the phone and type with her fingers. After the severe lack of communication, we just lost all topics we have with one another. Its a sad thing, i want it to be like how it is in the past, but i donno to savage it. All these days, since the day i broke up with her, she havnt left my mind a single day. She lingers in my mind no matter how hard i try to get rid. The constant thought is driving me crazy. She asked me to date other girls too, but in actual fact non of them can make me feel like how i feel when im around her. She is just special, special to me no matter what she becomes or no matter how much time she doesnt have for me. No one can just replace her with a click of a finger. Its not that easy. She said she had a crush, i dont know who, she dint tell me. Do i have a crush? No i dont, because i've found love. Will my love last for her, while i wait? will this relationship be savaged? I really dont know. I dont care what i have to do, convert to a muslim, whatever, i just want to be with her, i want both of us to be happy when we are with each other. God can you just grant me this wish? please? or is this a challenge for both of us? well i tell you, its so tough i feel like im almost dead mentally. I feel like telling her my feeling, but i think to myself "what for? will she care? it wont help." IM GOING MAD MAD MAD MAD MAAAADDD!!!